i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
