So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Randomize