jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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