I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
