I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
