My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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