My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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