There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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