I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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