maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
