The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
