he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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