My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
