My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
