She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
