what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Pants 0. Shit 1.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize