I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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