i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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