Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
