i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
