woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
