I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
