I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize