So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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