I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
