I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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