Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
