Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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