i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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