If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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