So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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