I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
