i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
