i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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