She is in my trunk
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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