WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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