I wish they made helmets for livers.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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