Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I could make wine with my vomit
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We're too hungover to prance.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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