What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize