saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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