Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
