she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Randomize
