Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
