I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
did i just pee glitter
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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