never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
