Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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