Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
