theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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