she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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