i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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