Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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