I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
