I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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