Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
