our cab driver is having phone sex.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
