If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
