Got a toothbrush?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
