Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
