Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
